Good Night(mare)s

I never thought I’d be a chart maker. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with charts, I’m just not a charty kind of person. But Alex’s bedtime routine of late has been wearing a hole in my already-thin-because-I’m-pregnant-oh-yeah-that’s-it patience. It goes something like this.

7 p.m.: Shower (He’s a showerer now, can you believe it?? Well I can’t. This is the child who thinks water in the eyes is akin to battery acid in an open wound.)

7:30 p.m.: Wind-down show. Have you ever seen Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends? Kristin Davis (Charlotte!) is the voice of Miss Spider, who is the adoptive mother of lots of “lil bugs” and says things like “everybuggy” and “spideriffic.” It’s awful, but it beats Caillou, the Whiny 4-Year-Old Canadian.

8 p.m.: Teeth brushing, book reading, song singing, tucking in. That’s when the fun begins.

8:20 p.m.: Alex gets up to turn on the hall light.

8:22 p.m.: Alex gets up to go potty.

8:26 p.m.: Alex gets up to ask for water.

8:33 p.m.: Alex gets up because he spilled that water but just a little bit and it was an accident!

8:37 p.m.: Alex gets up because “I forgot to tell you a question! Who made God?” (variations include “Why do dogs [sic] slaver?” and “When is it gonna be Friday?”)

8:40–9:32 p.m.: Alex gets up for a hug, to tell us about a broken toy, to beg for help finding his green blanky, to report that his radio has informed him that he has a new 106.9 The Evil. (It’s actually The Eagle.) Sometimes he gets up to ask me if he’s doing a good job going to bed.

9:45 p.m.: Mommy has HAD IT OH MY GOD CHILD JUST STAY IN BED AND GO TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

9:50 p.m.: I feel bad. I go in to kiss him and tuck him in one. more. time.

See, it’s just out of control, and it leads to bad mornings because he’s cranky and I’m not a morning person and Steven is pressed for time and impatient and it’s just a bad scene, people.

So last night I made a chart. It’s called “Good Nights,” and do you see what I did there? I love a play on words! There are star stickers and days of the week and some nebulous reward at the end of a five-sticker stretch. Lord knows we may never get there. But, I’ve become a chart maker.

I blame Jo Frost.