I've noticed that a lot of blogs start with some form of the
disclaimer "I haven't blogged in a while." "I haven't blogged in a while
because there are a million and two more important things for me to
think about and do on a given day," for example, or "I haven't blogged
in a while because I temporarily lost the ability to move my left hand."
Mine's just this: I haven't blogged in a while because I didn't have
anything to say. My last few posts were Jack-centric, and I didn't want
to step on them with some meaningless drivel about how hot it is (in
SUMMER in ALABAMA, can you BELIEVE it?) or how much I need to do a
clothing-and-toy purge and dust under the TV stand because when I'm
exercising in the morning I'm afforded a disturbingly up-close view of
the inch-tall layer of ick.
But I don't think Jack would mind my moving on to other
topics, and even though I still don't really have much to say beyond
those things I just mentioned, I hate to let too much time go by without
writing something about life for the sake of posterity.
The kids turned 8 and 3, respectively. I haven't wrapped
my brain around it yet. I mean, 8, sure, Alex has been going on 16 since
he started stringing together complete sentences. At 2, instead of
throwing an age-appropriate tantrum, he would stomp off to his room and
slam the door, then emerge minutes later, voice shaking with barely
contained emotion, to tell us "I am not very happy with you right now."
So his turning 8 shouldn't come as such a shock to me,
right? Only it's an age I remember so well, and it doesn't seem that
long ago. It was the year I busted my chin open trying to do a flip over
the stair railing at carpool. It was the year we got my first dog,
Bonnie, a sweet little black-and-white sheltie mix to whom I credit my
enduring love for overweight, sweet-natured dogs with floppy ears. It
was the year that I fell in love with Mikey from The Goonies and doodled
"I love Sean" all over my notebooks.
It was, if memory serves, the year I found out
the first skewed incarnations of all kinds of things that I can't
fathom Alex knowing at this juncture in his life.
But,
well, it's happened. He's turned 8. And as the instances of laughing at
something he's said because it's cute and precocious have become fewer,
those of laughing at something he's said because it's GENUINELY FUNNY
have soared. He's turning out to be quick with a one-liner like his dad,
one of those people whose sudden sharp wit catches you off guard in
just the perfect moment in just the perfect way. It will take him far,
that. It's one of the things that made me fall for Steven in the first
place.
In the meantime, Katherine has taken 3 by
storm. She is a live wire, our sunshine baby. It's like someone passed
her a note, a 4-year-old, maybe, worldly and wise, disclosing the
tightly guarded secret of how to temper maximum maddeningness with
supreme sweetness and abject adorability so that no one ACTUALLY kills
you.
She kisses with abandon, "lubs" everyone and everything,
snuggles and giggles and lulls you into complacency, so that when you
forget to let her open the string cheese by herself, or when her brother
calls her Frieda (long story), or when the bow falls out of her hair,
or when her doll won't balance on top of the dining room table, or when
the sun is in her eyes, or when it's time to go to bed or time to get
up, or when she puts on her pants with both legs in one leg hole ...
when any of these things happens, you're surprised and baffled (and a
little bit awed) by the deluge of insanity that erupts from this tiny
person who seemed so demure and angelic a few seconds ago.
And then the storm passes and she's all smiles and hugs and love and sunshine and bunnies and rainbows again. It must be exhausting.
And then, because it's still on my mind a lot (a LOT a lot) ...
It's
been two months and one week since we lost Jack. Most days I'm
okay. Most days I can even think about him and talk about him without
tearing up. But then there are times like when we got back from our
beach trip with the Texas family. I was putting my shoes on, about to go
to my parents' house to pick up Charlie. "Where are you going?"
Katherine asked. "I'm going to get the dogs," I said, because we'd never
been away before and NOT had two of them to pick up. And then, because I
was tired and hot and because I had just accidentally poked myself
right in the grief, I burst into tears.
So yeah, it's still there, sometimes, that horrible breathtaking ache
when it hits me that he's not coming back,
EVER. That I will never wrap my arms around him and breathe in his
special Jack-scent as I give him a big bear hug. That he will never
shove his head up under my hand so I'll have to pet him. That I can leave food
unattended and it won't be gone in the time it takes me to turn my
head.
But mostly it's better, and mostly we're happy, and often there's laughter and always there's love.
I'll take it.